drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
