I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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