she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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