The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Floor bacon is actually really good
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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