Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
