I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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