I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
