I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
