she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
