the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
