mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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