Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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