You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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