i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize