Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
