i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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