dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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