His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
