you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
They are going to name an STD after you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
