I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
