So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
