You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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