You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
