Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
