I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
