Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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