I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
