So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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