8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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