i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
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