last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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