Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
