I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize