Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Holy sore nipples Batman
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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