I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
