My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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