i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
