you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
