I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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