So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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