There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
