She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
