she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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