...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
