i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
