I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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