I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
