Umm I'm too high to move.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
