Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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