the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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