yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Every concussion has its silver lining
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
