actually, I'm a sock model
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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