Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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