i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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