I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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