doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
