does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
