She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
