I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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