Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
