4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
