heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
