when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
