So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
