I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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