She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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