I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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