Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
