My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
try to milk me bitch
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