Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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