My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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