So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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