jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
