he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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