On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
