I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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